2018 : My Year of Hope and Insight
As i sit on the couch next to the Christmas tree at my parents house, i can not believe that this year is coming to a close. At times this year has felt like it was flying by, and in other moments not fast enough. I remember in January of 2018 thinking of all the things i really wanted to accomplish. i refused to call them resolutions, but was determined to at least have some goals set up for the new year. Some were cliche, get into shape, read more books, while others were more personal, finally date, form a deeper connection with God. Lets just say some of my goals are still in progress, while others caused major anxiety (more on that later on). I had alot to hope for this year, but isnt that part of the excitement of a new year, the new hopes, goals and resolutions waiting to emerge?
This year i hoped for quite a bit, i hoped to see changes in my physical fitness, i hoped for love, i hoped for changes in the American immigration system, i hope for greater faith, and i hoped for more direction in my career and future. Looking back i did not necessarily get exactly what i hoped for, but i gained insight into every single thing that i hoped for. As always, God showed me that he is still present, still listening to my prayers, and still hoping for a deeper relationship with me. In my heart i know that God was just as good in 2017 as he was in 2018. Despite the many emotional ups and downs, his patience and kindness towards me never wavered and for that i am thankful.
The insight i gained did not unfold without many, many lessons learned. Spiritually i learned that God, and God alone is my advisor. Only through him will i learn where to go, when to speak and how to live life. I learned to listen, and i mean really listen to his voice, and to the feeling i would get when something does not feel right, or if i felt off. I learned not to ignore any of it, instead i learned to lean into the discomfort, and i am learning to seek Gods face about everything. Remembering that there will always be unsolicited advice from people who think they know, but God has never ceased to prove his reliability when i need him.
Another lesson learned, that i will continue to learn is that it is ok to be without. This year i found myself dealing with a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out) as a single women. I caused myself so much unnecessary anxiety about my singleness, and gave into the pressure of thinking i needed to actively pursue dating, despite knowing deep down that it is just not my time yet. We live in a society founded partly on the idea that if you are not gaining, whether that be likes on instagram, a new job, new house, new anything, you are falling behind, missing out, and consequently labeled as anything that will make everyone else feel better about you doing things differently. This was my biggest lesson of 2018, that it is ok to be ok with being without, or left out. This is a lesson i will continuously have to learn, and will probably fail with again in 2019 when the grip of FOMO takes hold. But thats ok, because the more lessons i learned, the more confidence gained in who i am and what i want for myself.
Aside from the hard lessoned learned, were moments of pure happiness and a few new destinations. I saw the grand canyon and traveled around Arizona and New Mexico with my book club, celebrated the birth of a close friend baby, went to Disney World with my best friend, celebrated my best friends engagement, and crossed over the threshold from just being 30, to 31. 2018 and the many moments that i experienced, will never be forgotten. Once again a year came and went, but not without shaping my character and molding me into a better christian, women and human being. Although i am sad to see this year go, i look forward to more growth, more goals to set, insights to materialized and lessons to be learned. Goodbye 2018, thanks for being good, hello 2019 lets get started.