What I've Learned About my Love/Hate Relationship with being Single
It was 7:00 am on a Sunday morning and my stomach was rumbling, not from hunger but from food poisoning from a lunch i had two days before. By 7:05 i knew i had to get out of bed and get reinforcement to help my stomach. The thought of getting out of bed, after a sleepless night, and a weak body to drive to target was not my idea of fun, but i had no other choice. Fast forward to 8:30 standing in a Target isle, realizing that they were out of what i needed, and that i would have to drive across town to Walmart, i basically wanted to die right there in the target aisle (dramatic ..i know). I remember telling God in my head that if i had a boyfriend, he would be taking care of me rather than me trying to care for myself. A huge assumption made during a moment of weakness, especially since i am a type-A do it all yourself type of girl, who probably would not want the help.
This experience in Target was not the first, but one of many times when i wished someone else would be there, or could things for me. I have a pretty bad habit of discontentment in my single season. There are days, weeks, months when arriving home to my own apartment messy or clean is amazing because it is my space. There are also times when i sprawl out on my queen size bed and love that it is my own bed. And there are times when i make plans, and do not have to compromise on what i want to do, and yup you guessed it..i love it. But, then are are other times when being sick and having to do it alone, wanting to cuddle up with someone , or have an intimate conversation with a romantic partner is all i really want. I yo-yo constantly.
Over the last weeks since that Target meltdown, i have thought alot about my discontented ways, and whether or not it is just a normal part of the single season, or something taught. Most of the messages presented to singles are very unrealistic. On one hand there are messages of empowerment, and encouragement, which is to be felt 100% of the time. While on the other side of the fence, media outlets like television and movies pigeon hole singles as either hot sexy players with multiple partners, or lonely spinster desperately wanting companionship. Both of which present their own expectation for the single season, which is to be on the hunt.
Unfortunately the christian culture its just as polarizing. As a christian women the material given that cater to singles can sometimes be downright confusion. There are the super conservative views, that women should be angels waiting for their man to arrive, while other messages point out all the reason why its your fault you are single. Neither present the nurturing message of acceptance and grace for those who are tired, worn, or ashamed of their past. Unfortunately for many christian women these views ultimately corrupt their view of Christ's love them right where they are. Because if the people of God who are supposed to accept me are not, why would Jesus accept and love me in this season.
What i've learned from my 8:00 am mental fatigue and rumbling stomach in a Target (and then Walmart) on a Sunday morning, is that one bad morning doesn't make a bad season in life. Alot of the time we go back and forth when we are afraid to commit to where we are in life. We fear that our season might be permanent when we hope for so much more than where we are. It is a lack of trust in ourselves, and a lack of commitment and trust in God. The bible says in Matthew 6:24 that no one can serve two masters, either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. In this text Matthew is talking about money and God, but i think it applies to myriad of areas in life. Going back and forth is exhausting, committing to where you are in your journey affirms confidence in our ability to preserve no matter the circumstance. And as a christian women it reaffirms to me that i am never alone in this season, and that God is always providing help when i need it.
I survived my food poisoning, and gained much more than a settled stomach, i gained perspective on my habits, and ability to survive when things get tough. Next time i am going through a tough situation, i wont think about what i wish i had, but what i already at my disposal. Maybe the best treatment for discontentment is perspective, and a little bit of trust that seasons do eventually change.