The Ebbs & Flow of Letting go
I spent most of last night knee-deep in blog post. A few weeks ago I decided to create a pinterest board full of inspirational Christian blog posts specifically for single women. Over the years i have read so many words from woman on their single journey and never thought to save them to one board. Finally, after years of reading, I created "The Fortified Single Woman" (Here).
I'll admit that not everything I've read over the years still apply to me in this part of my journey. I've been single for many years, God has stripped away a lot in exchange for a more christlike view of singleness, relationships and marriage. But last night i read a post that unexpectedly triggered me for hours after i read it.
A single woman often finds herself between two places, still feeling young enough to be hopeful that the someday she hopes for will come, and daring not to look over to the women who are older and still single, often unfairly named "spinsters". Last night i stumbled on a post written by a single woman in her 50s (here), her post was about God's faithfulness throughout her singleness even though she remained childless and unmarried.
You may be reading this and wondering what the big deal is. Here is a woman who has learned to see God's goodness without the thing she so longed for. I too should have read her words and found comfort, but instead, i was hyper-focused on her age and relationship status, 50 and single. Here i was at 1:00 am, triggered in the worse way, anxiety quickly took over, and i found myself utterly terrified that this too would be my fate.
Fate, a word that seems to have so much permanence and power. Anxiety rises when we realize that we have no real power over our lives. Do we have a choice and the freedom to make those choices, yes. But as a Christian, i have put my life in the hands of my maker who knows what's best for me in any given season. He protects me from myself.
Looking back at last night's tears and the many tears that were shed over the last four months, i see so clearly how much fear has played a huge role in my overly sensitive soul. The best thing that a single person can do is recognize their sensitive spots and address them. Those spots aren't weaknesses, but an ache that needs healing (from God) before rot (bitterness, resentment) takes over. Fear of aging alone (exasperated by Covid-19 3.5 month isolation) is a sensitive spot for me, so over the last five months I have had a death grip on my desire for marriage, and through a 1:00 am trigger I heard God say, it's time to let go.
My journey as a single woman has had many ebbs and flow, but letting go and trusting God with my desire isn't something I've leaned into over the years. I have doubted and let go out of frustration, and i have even spent years ignoring and denying my desire for a relationship, but I have never let go because God wanted me to. That's the thing about being a Christ-follower, sometimes God asks you to let go or abandon what you really want because he has something else in mind for the present season. It isn't a direct "no", but a trust me and wait a little longer.
I have no doubt in what God can do in any of our lives if we lean in a little closer and listen. We might not hear what we want to hear, and it might mean waiting longer, but like the 50 year old women from the blog post says, "There is no better place than resting in God's care. God is faithful."